livelypsyche

The two most interesting questions I get (outside of a professional setting) when people find out I’m a clinical psychologist:

1. “Oh, so you’re reading my thoughts right now??”
2. “So…do you think everything goes back to the mother?”

No matter how many times I have been asked that first question, I am still flabbergasted. My highly articulate response usually sounds something like, “Ummm….no,” while I wonder to myself if this person is actually thinking of psychics or X-men. The second question requires a more complicated response, and if I’m in the mood to go into it with random strangers at a party, their eyes typically glaze over, indicating they’ve lost interest before I have really begun to answer the question.

People often assume that in my work as a psychologist, I take on the position of “judging” the mother. My patients sometimes feel as though they are in the midst of some kind of clinical cliché if our treatment begins to center around their relationships with their mothers. I tell my patients that our work is not about judging or blaming the mother, but rather about understanding the relationship they had with their mother or other primary caregivers in order to better understand themselves. It’s hard to determine our direction in life if we don’t know where we came from, psychologically speaking.

This statement I make to my patients has never felt truer since I became a mother myself. There’s nothing quite like inhabiting this role to bring about empathy and that next level of understanding, both for my patients and for their mothers. And now, being in the position of both mother and psychologist, I am more curious than I ever could have been about the process of mothering, including the multitude of factors that impact how I was (and am) mothered and how this influences how I mother my own child.

One word I keep coming back to as I reflect on the kind of mother I strive to be is intentionality. Most parents will tell you that when you make parenting decisions, you often don’t know what you’re doing. You guess, hope, intuit, and consult your way through the process, all the while performing the monumental, and sometimes overwhelming, task of shaping a human being. While we may not always know what we are doing, we owe it to ourselves to try to understand why we are doing it. Why we make the choices we do, what and who has influenced us, in what ways each decision we make now is impacted by the thoughts, feelings, and actions of our caregivers and their caregivers before them. In other words, intentionality matters greatly, even as we stumble and feel our way through the journey of parenting.

As the children of immigrants, our parents moved to this country to provide themselves and their families with a better life and better opportunities. But immigration is a process fraught with various degrees of trauma and loss, including separation from loved ones, language barriers, and a significant shift in environment. Many of our mothers moved here shortly after marrying, which added on the task of attaching to a new partner while leaving the comfort of family and friends behind. They were simultaneously faced with adjusting to a completely new environment with new people, new responsibilities (inside and outside the home), and, for many of them, navigating their way through the process of continuing their education, training, or employment in a new country/system.

And then they had children. I sometimes find it difficult to wrap my head around the complexities of giving birth to and raising children in a foreign land, oftentimes early in a marital relationship and without the consistent presence and support of their own mothers. In so many ways, we learn how to mother through the experience of being mothered ourselves, and in our parents’ culture of origin, raising a child is a process often contributed to by grandparents, siblings, and community. The impact of mothering in relative isolation, halfway across the world, has far-reaching implications. To be clear, I am not unequivocally stating that we were at a disadvantage as a result of being born and raised so far away from our extended families. The extent to which each of us was impacted by this geographical distance, and how these dynamics played out within our own families, varies greatly.

Regardless of the specific factors at play, our parents took great risks and suffered tremendous losses with the hope of providing us with safety, security, and opportunity. Our parents’ intentions were to offer us something in this new country that they may not have been certain we would receive in their home countries. But in unfamiliar territory and under a new set of rules, their intentions had to be centered around providing their families with the necessities. Particularly during our early childhood, our mothers focused on our safety, security, and physical health by making sure we were well fed, clothed, and comfortable. They emphasized education and participation in extracurricular activities, preparing us for higher education and successful professional lives.

We have similar intentions in mind as we raise our children, but these objectives of providing physical safety, security, and opportunity are generally not as difficult for us to achieve as they were for our parents. Our parents paved a path for us that has made our lives more comfortable in many ways.

This is why it is not enough to simply reiterate our parents’ intentions as we raise young children ourselves. Our parents have given us the opportunity to strive for more, especially in the way that we raise the next generation. We now have the luxury of reflecting on the way we, and perhaps even our parents, were raised in order to attend to our children on a level that our parents often could not.

We can, should, and need to think deeply and thoroughly about so many things – how we approach feeding our children, what messages we are sending about body image and sexuality, how we navigate gender roles, to what extent and why we involve religion and spirituality in our family life, how we navigate various developmental phases, and so much more. We have the opportunity to understand our mothers’ experiences, for instance, in order to better explore ourselves, thereby promoting our growth towards the next level of parenting and living. The way I see it, this is one of the most important gifts our parents’ immigration has given us.